Day 16: What if….

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Did I do this to myself?

I have ME. I was diagnosed when I was 16 years old. A time when I hated my life, hated having to go to school every day to spend seven hours with people I didn’t like and who didn’t like me. So when I got glandular fever and had an excuse to stay at home, hide from the world, I took it. And I loved it. I was exhausted, in pain, unable to leave the house for months, but happier than I’d been in years. So I didn’t want to get better. My mum would give me paracetamol to take and I’d empty out the capsules in the bin. Even when I was starting to feel better I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to have to go back to my old life, my unhappy life. And without realising it, it became impossible for me to go back to my old life, my old energy levels. My body forgot how to be able to do things, that it was possible to do a full day of activity and not ache all over, get blurred vision, burst in to tears.

I don’t know if it’s even possible that I caused this. I could be torturing myself over nothing. But until I’m better (if that day ever comes) I won’t ever be able to stop wondering if I had wanted to get better, would I have done?

Day 17 of the 30 Day Writing Challenge.

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6 thoughts on “Day 16: What if….

  1. I had to relearn how to walk twice due to a middle ear trauma in my childhood (that threw off my balance) and a knee injury in my teen years (that I still feel whenever it’s going to rain). Neither incident helped my self-esteem or confidence.

    The second injury was probably worse mentally than the first, because I remembered what it was like to be handicapped physically and socially. I didn’t want to face any of it again. Especially my peers as many of them didn’t understand or care to understand what I was going through. Some students even thought I was milking my injury. Their voices and insults were so loud that even I got angry with myself. I wanted to run away from society AND my own skin. I, too, asked myself what if. What if my injury was turning out to be more psychological than physical? What if I just wanted an excuse?

    No, I didn’t want an excuse, but yes, my injury was physically and psychologically crippling. Like I said, it got to me. I’ll admit that I did extend my recovery period by forgetting to be there for myself, to believe in myself, and to know that I can still survive and live regardless if there are clear skies or dark clouds rolling in.

    I won’t quit, and I am becoming stronger everyday. But there are still days when I feel like that little kid walking in zigzags and getting teased, even though I’d worked so hard to walk in any way possible. There are still days when I struggle to keep up or surpass my previous energy levels. There are still days when I feel lonely. I think it’s good to admit these things, to reflect on “what ifs” from time to time, as long as I don’t drown myself in them.

    So all that said, thanks for posting such honesty about your experience! I felt each and every last word. I hope what I wrote above makes enough sense so you can see why this post means a lot to at least me. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Sounds like you’ve had some really tough times so I hope it’s clear skies for you in the future. But thank you so much for telling me, it’s lovely to hear from people who’ve had similar experiences

      Liked by 1 person

      1. 🙂 Thanks! Same to you. And as you pointed out, stepping back gives a person the opportunity to enjoy their own company and find new ways to be happy — but the more time passes, the harder it gets to step back in. Still, it can be done.

        Like

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